where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
We have started to decorate penises.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
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