Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize
