i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
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