It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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