My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
