So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Randomize
