you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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