Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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