you guys were way drunker than both of me
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
