I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
It all started with a game of naked twister.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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