when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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