well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
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