are we going to glenview for practice??
(3 hrs later) aids
where r u? what is story? im way too high right now
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Randomize
