1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
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