yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
Brb crying the tears of my youth
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
