He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
Pants are for mortals
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Randomize
