I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
