Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
