You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Randomize
