it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
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