i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
i do not condone bathtub ky wrestling
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
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