guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Randomize
