Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Randomize
