That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Randomize
