I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
Randomize
