The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
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