Porn is love you can see.
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize
