I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Randomize
