i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
We're too hungover to prance.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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