There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
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