I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.�
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
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