his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
God I need to hump something, right now.
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