guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
Randomize
