At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
Ketchup is God's man juice
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
