My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
