I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
I still have a little drunk in my system
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
Randomize
