end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
our cab driver is having phone sex.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
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