Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
Randomize
