I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
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