if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Randomize
