i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
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