And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Randomize
