highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
Randomize
