I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
