I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
