If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
