its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
