his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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