I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
