I'm pants shitting drunk right now
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
