I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up�
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
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