highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
