Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Randomize
