your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
