If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
Randomize
