I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
Randomize
