I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Randomize
