Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
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