if only i could text you this smell
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
is it consensual if they're cheered on by a room filled with 30 people?
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
