i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
