I am in a vortex of obligation.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
thanks for not wanting to stay all night or talk or anything, nice to have a fuck buddy who really doesnt take the buddy part serious
I'm all about the fuck
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
